PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’ve chosen a goat.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]