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Page of TeaAndCopy's best tweets

@TeaAndCopy : ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you're disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

@TeaAndCopy: ME: The irony is it'd be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn't wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn't say anything

@TeaAndCopy: On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.

@TeaAndCopy: MAKE Easter easier by replacing the 't' with an 'i'.

@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: Kate's new baby is 7lbs 11oz
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
WIFE: 3½ kilos
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

@TeaAndCopy: My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.

I've chosen a goat.

@TeaAndCopy: ME: I'll see you in a month
WIFE: Don't forget to write
ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon

@TeaAndCopy: ME: Excuse me…Where's the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you'll what?

@TeaAndCopy: WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

@TeaAndCopy: Punctuality is important. It's the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he's already done it.