@TeaAndCopy

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

@TeaAndCopy

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

@TeaAndCopy

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

@TeaAndCopy

[Putting petrol in car]
??.??
??.??
??.??
[stops]
[gently now]

??.??

[very gently]

??.??

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

??.??

GODDAMMIT

@TeaAndCopy

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

@TeaAndCopy

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid

@TeaAndCopy

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

@TeaAndCopy

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?

Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.

Me: …

Employee: …

Me: Or you’ll what?