on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
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What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.