Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
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If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.