“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
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Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.