Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
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You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
back to work
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now