Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
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My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like