@TedInModeration

Her: Go pound sand!

Me: * Seductively looks at sand

Sand: I have a boyfriend

@TedInModeration

Dude on the street corner was like $5 for a sandwich? And he didn’t even have a sandwich is why I have trust issues

@TedInModeration

Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s

@TedInModeration

Me: will you have my baby?
Her: omg yes!
Me: * hands her a baby…
* runs…