[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no