Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
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Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.