Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
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Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.