Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
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HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Super Hand Dog Face
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.