Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]