Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms