Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*