I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
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My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Natty or not?
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
there has never been a better use of this meme
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.