“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Did…did a minotaur write this
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?