I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
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Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
RT if you could go either way.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Haha good job!!
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.