I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
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My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
a god among men
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.