Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
You Might Also Like
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream