Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?