BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.