*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Do you need a glass of water?
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
<at a baptism>
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.