If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*