For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”