God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
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[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?