ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
You Might Also Like
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.