12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Why is this me 😫
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.