Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You Might Also Like
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.