3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
dutch so unserious
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Double negatives are never not confusing.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.