me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
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Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
c’mon!
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”