@ThatBrenna

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

@ThatBrenna

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

@ThatBrenna

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”

@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

@ThatBrenna

I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.