I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.