If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Garage and estate sales need to step up their game. No one carries cash now. Let me use venmo to buy this haunted doll.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”