@ThatBrenna

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

@ThatBrenna

Garage and estate sales need to step up their game. No one carries cash now. Let me use venmo to buy this haunted doll.

@ThatBrenna

I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.

@ThatBrenna

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

@ThatBrenna

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

@ThatBrenna

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

@ThatBrenna

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

@ThatBrenna

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

@ThatBrenna

A tree house is the biggest insult to a tree. “Here, I killed your friend. Hold him.”