2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.