Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Happy weekend !
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.