It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
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I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
There’s always that one guy
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My Guy
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
when u come home smelling like another dog
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.