@ThatMummyLife

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

@ThatMummyLife

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

@ThatMummyLife

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

@ThatMummyLife

Me: how are you feeling about all of this?

Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.

Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.

@ThatMummyLife

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

@ThatMummyLife

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

@ThatMummyLife

Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?

Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…

@ThatMummyLife

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.