Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
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WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
I’m already scared
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.