“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
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I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?