Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.