Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@TheAlexNevil: Magician: For my next trick—

@TheAlexNevil: The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

@TheAlexNevil: 7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

@TheAlexNevil: *possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

@TheAlexNevil: Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

@TheAlexNevil: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

@TheAlexNevil: Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

@TheAlexNevil: *goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

@TheAlexNevil: Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?