@TheAlexNevil

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

@TheAlexNevil

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

@TheAlexNevil

We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”

@TheAlexNevil

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

@TheAlexNevil

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

@TheAlexNevil

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

@TheAlexNevil

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

@TheAlexNevil

Movies led me to believe I’d be taller and better looking. Okay, they were home movies and my parents said it a lot.

@TheAlexNevil

Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.