Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Movies led me to believe I’d be taller and better looking. Okay, they were home movies and my parents said it a lot.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.