Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
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@TheAlexNevil : Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
@TheAlexNevil: Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
@TheAlexNevil: The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that's just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
@TheAlexNevil: 7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
@TheAlexNevil: *possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
@TheAlexNevil: Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
@TheAlexNevil: “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
@TheAlexNevil: Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
@TheAlexNevil: *goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it
goat: Hit me again.
@TheAlexNevil: Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?