*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.