Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : *Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

@TheAlexNevil: My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

@TheAlexNevil: God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

@TheAlexNevil: *prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this "food" and "shelter"?

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

@TheAlexNevil: A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

@TheAlexNevil: James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

@TheAlexNevil: Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

@TheAlexNevil: *cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

@TheAlexNevil: Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.