@TheAlexNevil

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

@TheAlexNevil

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

@TheAlexNevil

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

@TheAlexNevil

Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?

@TheAlexNevil

Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.

@TheAlexNevil

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

@TheAlexNevil

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

@TheAlexNevil

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

@TheAlexNevil

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute