@TheAlexNevil: Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN'T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

@TheAlexNevil: Is the expression "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" I want this best man's speech to be perfect.

@TheAlexNevil: When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.

@TheAlexNevil: *I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

@TheAlexNevil: Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: ...No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: ...I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

@TheAlexNevil: Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@TheAlexNevil: *throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us...”

@TheAlexNevil: Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

@TheAlexNevil: *jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park...

*long silence

CEO: Genius.