*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute