@TheAlexNevil

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@TheAlexNevil

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

@TheAlexNevil

I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.

Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.

@TheAlexNevil

“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”

@TheAlexNevil

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

@TheAlexNevil

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

@TheAlexNevil

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

@TheAlexNevil

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

@TheAlexNevil

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.