Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I'll just eat it here.

@TheAlexNevil: "A picture is worth a thousand words."
--anonymous

"A thousand words is for amateurs."
--children

@TheAlexNevil: "You're unemployed 364 days a year. It's not that sexy."
--Mrs. Cupid

@TheAlexNevil: "If you love the bed so much why don't you marry it?"
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

@TheAlexNevil: Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

@TheAlexNevil: *job interview
HR: Can you name one of your strengths?
Me: Sure. I'll call it Giselle.

@TheAlexNevil: All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

@TheAlexNevil: 2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there's always next year

@TheAlexNevil: "In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!"

Yes, "university" commercial--that math checks out.

@TheAlexNevil: Me: How's it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You're my dentist!
D: Then you don't need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos