“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
*updates tinder bio*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.