Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

@TheAlexNevil: I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

@TheAlexNevil: *walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

@TheAlexNevil: 9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

@TheAlexNevil: My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.

@TheAlexNevil: Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.

@TheAlexNevil: *House Hunters

“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”

@TheAlexNevil: *a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

@TheAlexNevil: *bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist