@TheAlexNevil

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.

@TheAlexNevil

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

@TheAlexNevil

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.

@TheAlexNevil

Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:

@TheAlexNevil

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

@TheAlexNevil

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

@TheAlexNevil

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

@TheAlexNevil

When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.