Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it
goat: Hit me again.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer