Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs