are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
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If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Order here:
More here:
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers