Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.