Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.