“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
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There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
new year update: losing everything but weight
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?