A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
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One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.