Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*bottle with note washes up on beach
“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.