@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

@TheAlexNevil

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

@TheAlexNevil

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

@TheAlexNevil

Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.

Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?

@TheAlexNevil

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

@TheAlexNevil

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

@TheAlexNevil

I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.

@TheAlexNevil

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

@TheAlexNevil

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

@TheAlexNevil

My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.