Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of TheAlexNevil's best tweets

@TheAlexNevil : *first day in a Vegas poker tournament

Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet

@TheAlexNevil: *first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

@TheAlexNevil: *Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:

Houston: Did you say "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind"?
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

@TheAlexNevil: I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

@TheAlexNevil: Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

@TheAlexNevil: I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

@TheAlexNevil: Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

@TheAlexNevil: I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

@TheAlexNevil: How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

@TheAlexNevil: “What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”