Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us

Page of TheAlexP's best tweets

@TheAlexP : I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

@TheAlexP: Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@TheAlexP: Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@TheAlexP: Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@TheAlexP: * Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@TheAlexP: There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@TheAlexP: [at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@TheAlexP: How'd you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*


@TheAlexP: Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.