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@TheAlexP : I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
@TheAlexP: Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
@TheAlexP: Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
@TheAlexP: Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
@TheAlexP: * Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
@TheAlexP: There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
@TheAlexP: [at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for...did you just say witch doctor?
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
@TheAlexP: How'd you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
@TheAlexP: Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
@TheAlexP: *getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
This beer told me I could dance.