@TheAlexP

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

@TheAlexP

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

@TheAlexP

Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.

@TheAlexP

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

@TheAlexP

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

@TheAlexP

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

@TheAlexP

[at specialist office]

Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?

Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?

SD: no

M: you sure?

SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no

@TheAlexP

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

@TheAlexP

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

@TheAlexP

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.